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[velocitygirl]

I've got you/You've got whatever's left of me to get




She and Shalla have Things to discuss. Big things.

Her hand trembles slightly while she knocks on the door.

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[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

Shalla's working out, running through a routine that she can do in the cramped space of her room. She stops halfway through a push-up at the knock and turns her head to look at the door.

"I'm not getting up to answer. Come in or leave a message."

Then she resumes her work.

[velocitygirl]

She shuts her eyes for a moment. And then she opens the door, leaning against the doorframe. "Hi."

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

She lets herself fall to the floor and lays there for a moment, then pulls her arms above her head to stretch them out.

"That's half a workout wasted," she mumbles, no real reproach in her tone.

[velocitygirl]

Inyri stands stiffly, uncomfortably. "We...we need to talk."

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

Shalla shoots Inyri a look over her shoulder, then rolls to her feet.

"About what?"

[velocitygirl]

"Wes." She says softly before looking away for a moment. "We...uhm. We're together. Again. I guess."

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

Shalla swallows once, looking away, before allowing a blank mask to settle over her face.

"And by together, you mean ..."

[velocitygirl]

"He said that he was jealous...that's why he was so mad about finding about me and--" She breaks off, carefully choosing her next words. "We're dating, I guess."

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

She nods once and doesn't meet Inyri's eyes. "I hope you two will be very happy together."

[velocitygirl]

"Shalla." She breathes, biting her lip. "Don't--I want things to be okay. We broke it off, and...I was ambigious about a friendship, but I do want it. I do."

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

"Fine. I didn't say I had a problem with it."

[velocitygirl]

Inyri stands up straighter, looking vaguely pissed. "Yeah, well you're acting like you do."

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

"It's been a year," Shalla snaps. "You and me. Almost a year. Sorry if I'm having a bit of trouble with it."

[velocitygirl]

Inyri crosses her arms protectively over her chest. "It's wasn't just you and me. It was you and me, and me and Wes, and me and Jack, and me and Myn."

She's turning redder with every name. "I'm sorry. It would have never worked out between us. I don't love you, and if after a year, I'm still sleeping around on you, doesn't that mean something? That I'm a horrible person, or a kriffing slut or something. I'm sorry."

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

"I don't want it to work out," she spits. "I didn't want a relationship --" except she's not sure what she did want, and she's not sure what defines relationship. "I wanted you. I wanted you to be happy. And okay, if Wes makes you happy, I'll be fine with that, after I deal with the fact you could have done this a year ago and I could have spent a lot less nights wondering if you were hurting and what I could do to stop it."

It's a lot to say, and it hurts as she says it, and at the end she's out of breath, too much given up at once.

[velocitygirl]

"I couldn't have done this a year ago!" She snaps back, throwing her hands up. "I'm a pathetic fool, Shalla. I've waited two years for him. That's sad. And you know what? You made that one year better, Shalla. But you can't stop me from hurting. Wes couldn't stop me from hurting, and he still can't. It's shavit I've got to do on my own."

Her chest is heaving and she's shaking slightly. "I don't want you to hate me."

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

There's too much going through her head at once. She wants to be selfish and ask what she got out of that year, other than worry and hurt and a few happy moments when they pretended, but she thinks it might hurt Inyri and dammit she still can't do that.

And then Inyri says that and all she wants to do is pull her into her arms.



But that's Wes's job now.

[velocitygirl]

"I'm sorry." She murmurs, after Shalla doesn't speak. "I'll leave you alone. Just know...'m sorry."

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

She stands there and grits her teeth, staring at the ground, before moving forward quickly and hugging Inyri tightly.

She has to get the strength to say goodbye.

[velocitygirl]

Inyri jerks slightly, suddenly stiff, before she relaxes and hugs her back, tightly, not daring to breathe.

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

She squeezes her eyes shut and doesn't cry, burying her head in Inyri's shoulder.

[velocitygirl]

She leans her head against Shalla's, drawing in a shaky breath finally. Her eyes shut, her brow wrinkled, troubled.

This can't be goodbye. It can't.

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

She breathes raggedly, squeezing Inyri once before taking a step back.

"I'm -- I'm sorry."

She can't do this, she can't do this, she can't do this.

[velocitygirl]

Inyri stuffs her hands in her pockets. "Me too."

She refuses to look at Shalla, but her eyes burn with unshed tears.

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

Her jaw works, and she tries to say that she can't see Inyri anymore, can't talk to her. She tries to tell her how much it hurts, and how unfair it is.

But nothing comes out, and she falls to the bed, burying her head in her hands.

There has to be something they can do.

[velocitygirl]

"We're never going to talk again, are we?" She whispers, staring at the ground.

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

"I just -- it's Wes, Inyri. And it's us. We tried to be friends, and we ended up falling into bed together. But I can't ... you're who I go to. Something happens and I come to tell you. I mean, did you know I spent most of last week as a man?"

She laughs, and it's bitter and humorless. "You have Wes to be there for you. I have no one."

[velocitygirl]

"No, I didn't know. But that isn't because of Wes. It's because of what happened before Wes." Inyri says shakily, her voice growing stronger with each word. "I can still be here for you, Shalla. I didn't want friends before. I didn't need them. I needed people to get my mind off of the shit that was happening. But now is different. Now is the aftermath where I stop proving Zekka right, about how I'm a kriffing whore, and start having normal, human relationships with people."

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

"You can't be here for me. You being here for me would be you staying the night so I had someone to hold on to. And I know you won't do that, because Wes will be wondering where you are."

She clenches her fists in her lap. "Like I said. You have Wes. I have to get through this by myself."

[velocitygirl]

"You can't..." She shuts her eyes. After a moment, she shakes her head and crosses her arms again. "Fine. I'm sorry. I don't deserve your friendship anyway. I hope you get through it okay."

Shalla's stronger than Inyri. Inyri has every bit of faith she can do it.

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

Shalla can't keep the flash of betrayal from her face, how much it hurts to be abandoned.

"Go. Please go. I'm not going to cry in front of you if you don't care enough to stay, so go. Please."

[velocitygirl]

That's it.

The anger that flashes through Inyri is so quick and so sudden, she acts before she even thinks. She almost contemplates shoe throwing, and then throwing the stuff on her dresser at Shalla, but the split second it takes to think those things is too much and Inyri has Shalla hauled up by the shirt, with suprising strenth.

"Fuck you," She snarls, red faced and angry. "Don't you tell me I don't care enough. You're the one who says I can't do anything. I'll fight for friendship, and in the end, I'll leave still. Because you won't have it, and we'll both end up more hurt at the end of it. Deny it, go ahead."

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

Shalla almost throws Inyri into the wall, but manages to rein in the instinct before she hurts her. When she's done speaking, she rips Inyri's hand off her shirt and glares at her.

"Dammit, Inyri. I don't want to end up kriffing alone. It's all well and good, you've got your stupid happy ending. You've got Wes to run back to as soon as we're done. And I don't have anybody. I've got a cold bed and an empty floor and kriff it, fine, I can deal with that, but not right away."

[velocitygirl]

Inyri's face has gone stonily blank and unemotional. "I can't help you, this time." She says blankly, without emotion. "You're right, I can't fill your bed, Shalla. And I can't explain to why. But don't tell me how I feel. I think and feel for myself. And I do care, even if you don't believe it."

She looks down at her hands, and they tremble slightly. "But if I stay, it'll be just as bad as when I leave, because you won't get what you want either way."

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

She laughs again, biting. She turns away from Inyri, grabbing her jacket and the small bag that sits at the foot of her bed, always packed.

The vibroblades and blaster from her dresser drawers are slipped up sleeves and dropped into holsters, and then she turns to Inyri again, hand on the doorknob. "Of course you can't. Doesn't matter how many times I stick around for you, you can't do the same for me. So now I'm taking your thing. I'm running away. I doubt you'll care, though. Oh, and tell Wes he should stop letting random girls kiss him. There's quite a few more colors his hair can turn, I doubt he wants them all."

[velocitygirl]

"No one ever listens to me," She murmurs. "I just said I cared."

The bit about Wes hurts her, mostly because Shalla stooped so low as to do that. "Yes, well, I'm sure he'd just tell me to stop letting random men kriff me. Not that either of us is wandering far from the other just now, thank you very much."

Her cheeks are red, and she feels shitty and she opens the door. "Have fun running away. I hope you enjoy pulling a me. Of course, you might want to find an addiction and a knife before you can truly enjoy being a screw-up."

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

"Dammit, dammit, dammit," she spits out, gritting her teeth. The bag slips from her shoulder and she shakes her head, backing away from Inyri.

"Just leave me alone, or stay, but stop making it worse. Stop. I can't do this. I can't watch you go and pretend it doesn't hurt like kriff, so just stop."

She knows she's being a hypocrite, and she doesn't care.

[velocitygirl]

Inyri calls her on it, turning to look at her dully. "Hypocrite." Is all she says for a long moment.

Then: "It hurts. But this is what comes easy. Hiding it. The last thing I need is to go back to Wes and have him flip out because I'm upset. And I can't make it better, by staying. And I'm only good at making it worse, so...goodbye, Shalla."

She steps through the door, oddly calm but only because she isn't letting herself breathe. Not yet.

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

Shalla presses her back against the wall and sinks down into a crouch, heels of her hands digging into her eyes.

It takes awhile, but eventually she wipes the suspicious moisture off her cheeks and sighs, breathing deeply.

She starts her routine again.

She finishes it.

She does it again. And twice more, until she's shaking on the floor, feeling sick and tired and not even capable of pulling herself onto the bed.

But she doesn't cry again.