(no subject)

[velocitygirl]

She'd given Wes the slip earlier, when he'd gone downstairs to get lunch or something. She'd pretended to still be asleep, curled tightly in the covers, eyes shut, breathing deep. She felt his eyes on her and she snuggled deeper into the blankets, and he ran a hand through her hair before slipping out of the room.

She waited ten minutes to make sure he wasn't coming back quickly before getting out of bed and pulling clothes on and brushing her hair and walking out the door.

She walked. And walked. And walked, until she went up and down various flights of stairs and ending up in her room once again. She always ended up here. She looked around for Zekka (only vaguely though, she was in such a mood that she didn't care if he was there with knives and wanted to chop her up. she would have just walked right past him and locked the door), then slipped through the door and shut it, locking it.

She perches on her bed, and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and lights one. Smokes it.

By the time she's given up holding it in, and has started crying, she's on her fifth. Her hands shake as she tries to light a sixth and it falls to the bed and she can't see it through blurred eyes as she cries for everything and nothing at all.

She's holding it all in and she says she's not scared but she's terrified. She is as scared as she was the first time Zekka lay his hand on her. She's alluded to just how terrified she is, and only with Wes, and only with Shalla, but she's never come out and said it. She told Wes and Tycho she wished that Zekka had shot her that night to get it over with.

She wishes she could find him now and shoot him.

Or if she had brought her blaster (it's on the dresser in Wes' room), maybe she'd do what Zekka wanted, but to herself. It makes her laugh sardonically through her tears. She couldn't disappoint people with that. She'd be giving into Zekka if she did that, and that would only make Shalla angry, make Wes sad and angry and disappointed and she could almost see the look in his eyes (would they still be angry if she died? that's the million credit question. would all of this just stop if she died?!)

She slips off the bed and onto the floor, cheek pressed against the hardwood floor. What was she doing? Why was she staying with Wes, kriff why was she sleeping with him!? It was wrong, it had always been wrong when they'd done it, but it always felt right and it hurt and confused her and she felt dirty for wanting it so badly.

She hated that she wanted it so badly. Hated the looks Shalla gave her when she and Wes were together, the disappointment in her eyes.

She disappointed people. She always had. It was disgusting how she lived and she disappointed herself.

She hated herself still, and she choked on a sob on the floor of her room, bruised face pressed hard into the ground, and her head hurt and she didn't want to get up.

So she didn't.

She cried till she couldn't cry anymore and when that was done, she grabbed a pillow off the bed and screamed into it until she was hoarse, and then...then she just lay there, shivering slightly once she was done.

She still didn't get up.

She felt so alone.

Comments

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

People, despite what Zekka says, care about Inyri. And notice when she's gone. So Shalla goes looking for her, wandering the halls, outside, the stairwells, and, finally, she ends up at Inyri's room.

She doesn't knock.

[velocitygirl]

Inyri doesn't move from her spot on the floor, now wrapped around the pillow, holding onto it tightly.

She blinks at the flood of light from the hallway in the otherwise dark room.

And that is all.

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

There's a lump on the floor.

For a second, Shalla's terrified, thinking that Zekka's gotten to her. Or she's gotten to herself.

But there's no blood staining the floor, no signs of a struggle. No blaster clasped in cold hands.

Softly, "'Nyri?"

[velocitygirl]

"Shalla." She whispers, hoarsely, barely moving.

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

She's on her knees next to her in a second, hands soothing over her hair.

"Are you hurt?"

[velocitygirl]

"No." She says, shaking her head softly. "I just...needed to hide for a bit. And..." She shivers slightly. "Cry."

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

"I'll stay with you," she murmurs. "Nobody needs to cry alone."

[velocitygirl]

"I can't cry anymore," Inyri whispers, scooting closer to Shalla, her hand on Shalla's foot.

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

She pulls Inyri up, into her arms, holding tight to her thin frame.

"You'll get through this."

[velocitygirl]

Inyri flails slightly as she scrabbles to hold onto Shalla, feeling too thin and all arms and legs. "I know."

Sort of.

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

"Good."

She doesn't want to say that she's afraid.

[velocitygirl]

"I'm scared." Inyri says it for her, shivering.

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

"We all are, I think."

Things are so confusing here, so much harder.

[velocitygirl]

"I'm sorry I slept with Wes." she whispers. "I know you don't like it. That it makes you think less of me...I just..."


Need him. In that way, too.

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

"I just don't want more people getting hurt. There's too much already."

She pauses, staring at the floor for a long moment.

"But if it helps ... stops you from losing ... I can't criticize."

[velocitygirl]

"It does. A bit. Something to hold onto. He...he goes so far to make sure I'm okay." She murmurs into Shalla's shirt, curling her fingers into it. "It's hard sometimes. He so desperately wants me to be okay and some days I just...can't."

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

"You don't need to please him, Inyri. He's not Thyne. If you aren't okay, you aren't okay, and you shouldn't have to act any differently. Wes knows that."

[velocitygirl]

"It's so much easier to tell him I'm okay. So he doesn't give me this look he does, where he looks so lost because he...he can't do anything to make it better." Inyri shuts her eyes, shivering again. "I know he's not Thyne. I'm not scared of Wes."

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

"There are a lot of things that can't be made better," she mumbles, mostly to herself. "But if you're creative enough to distract," she tickles Inyri, short and light over her ribs, "they might fix themselves."

[velocitygirl]

She squirms against Shalla, an involuntary laugh escaping her, elbowing Shalla lightly. "No tickling."

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

Shalla smirks.

"Says who?"

[velocitygirl]

"Says me," Inyri says gruffly, squirming away from Shalla, and landing hard on her elbow.

"...ow."

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

Sighing, Shalla scoots over to Inyri and drops a kiss on the injured elbow.

"You have to plan better escape routes, apparently."

[velocitygirl]

"It's hard in the dark, when I've been crying," Inyri murmurs, grabbing Shalla's hand.

[fighter--pilot.livejournal.com]

She squeezes lightly, offering a crooked smile.

"I can see how that would be."